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‘Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned’

  • Week 28, 2 days
  • Baby boy
  • Name still not confirmed
  • Mood of significant other : See picture below (probably still hungry)

Today we were summoned to the midwife for a routine appointment and check up. It usually involves a quick blood pressure check, we listen to the little man’s heart beat, then Robyn gets a bollocking for putting on more weight. It’s funny in Spain, they’d be quite understanding if you decided to sink four bottles of red wine at 23 weeks pregnant, though all hell breaks loose if you fancy a cheeky packet of Jammy Dodgers or a Toblerone.


We set off to the Medic centre as normal, attempting to avoid a multitude of insane drivers hell bent on running us off the road. As we pulled up to the lights about two miles away, we found ourselves stuck behind a lady in a little blue car swerving to and fro across the lane. She had her head down the side of the passenger seat, most likely looking for her marbles. So I gave her a gentle beep of the horn, and through the power of international sign language, I politely told her that she was being a silly sausage and that she should perhaps concentrate on the task at hand. She of course took this information on board swimmingly, and retaliated with words I didn’t fully understand. I was unsure if she was extremely angry, or if she was reciting Spandau Ballet’s hit single ‘Gold’ aggressively in German.


We eventually made it to the waiting room, and took our turn. In the distance, I could see a little old Spanish man approaching, his eyes locked on mine. I could only assume that he thought he recognised my face and wanted to investigate closer. He continued to walk up to me, shuffling tentatively in a pair of brown suede slippers. As he neared closer, I sensed something catastrophic was about to happen. Eyes still locked, peering over his thick black spectacles, he reached literally to the point of our noses touching. I froze, in an attempt to play dead, my eyes fixed firmly away from him on a poster of a breast pump. Robyn offered no support at all, she turned her head and denied all knowledge of me. ‘What on earth is this guy doing?’ I thought, trying with all my might to summon enough courage to shoo him away. Then, without warning, undeterred and from point blank range, he coughed and sneezed in my eye.


I was dumbfounded, speechless, confused. We just looked at each other as he plodded on by, wiping his furry chin with a complementary diabetes leaflet. I was in a state of shock, trying to exhale the germs that had been forced upon me. Until from nowhere, the woman with the little blue car entered the building, spotting me instantly like a demonic hawk. She stood completely still, her eyes red like wildfire, slowly mouthing ‘vete a la mierda, cabrona’. I initially feared this was some sort of Voodoo curse she was casting upon me, until Robyn loosely translated it to, ‘F**k you bitch, I do what I want’.

Lenny Henry after a sliverbar


Finally, we were called in, safe at last. After speaking with the midwife, it turns out that we were given the wrong flu jabs at our last appointment. So we spent the first 10 minutes discussing how incompetent men are in broken English. Robyn was then called to the scales, the midwife sighed in disappointment, and we arranged our next appointment.


We now have antenatal classes every Monday until boyo arrives. These classes (rightfully so) will be fully in Spanish. However unless the practitioner decides to outline the process of politely buying a pint or purchasing a coffee with (or without) milk, I don’t think I’ll quite grasp exactly what is going on. I will be there for emotional support, and we all know that’s the main thing.


Robyn also has to go to swimming aerobics once a week, she’s ever so excited.  I can’t wait to sit in the gallery with an array of snacks, as she bobs up and down to ‘NOW 95’ like a potato in a swimming cap. Hopefully she’ll have an over excited instructor called Manuel who enjoys lunging around the pool in a leotard with his bollocks hanging out.


Shares welcome and appreciated as always. Please like and SHARE the pints to prams facebook page if you have a minute. Thanks guys.

Partner update, asleep. It’s been a really long day, we’ve been awake for almost 5 hours.

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